Jan172008

This has been days... this state of being trapped in a limbo of confusion. I don't wanna fight my own self but it is hard not to give in to your dark side.. not to embrace complete surrender to what your heart has been shoving you to do.. It is a wonder how in the end of that turmoil battle within, my brain wins over my heart when for starters.. m a very sensitive, emotional and a hopeless romantic churva... maybe because subconsciously i know that if i will make myself dance to my heart's beat, the outcome is still a losing battle. I so want to be over and done with this... to finally have an end with this derangement.. this state of being in the abyss. But i don't even know where, when and how to begin. I know that i have to start with acceptance but it is easier said than done. I am sure though that 'till i can feel this beat within me... 'till the music changes, i will for always feel the same.

This is like a curse.. No... this is what they call as the thing which makes the world go round. I wonder why i have undergone the opposite? Why my world stopped the moment i have felt this... thing. It is a pity how no one can see the real me. But who's to blame? I have never shown what is underneath.. Yes, said things.. done things.. but those are just stuff.. nothing but a pack of empty, hollow lies. Psycho!!! Lemme ask you, Can you see right through me? Would you be willing to save me before it is too late? The questions i'd like to ask to my alter ego - the one i believe is always there not when i want someone but when i need someone.. of course, it is by far better if this alter ego is God's creation instead of my own mind's doing... like a real person you longed for life... not some mind creation for psyche restoration...