Dec20,2009 - 2:45 am
[nag-illusion na sad.. andar na sad ang katok:) ]
I saw maging sino ka man on that day despite of the hectic sked.. and I was happy coz I saw my idol Anne.. baduy no.. quebs…! As I was focusing on my work later on that night… I can’t forget some of the scenes I saw regarding that teleserye. Inggit etech ang show! And I thought what if I have been in love and is missing someone..? What would I do right now while working in the office? I wondered if I am suicidal if i experience the pain of losing someone you’re in love with. Then my psychotic self took over na sad…! I then regarded myself as na-inlove na super and na-heartbroken in the end… and I imagined the things I would do and the things I would feel. My illusions started and it went like this………
*sniff* (kuyapan q sa ka-oa sa illusion na q! dakong pasenxa)
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I was hurrying coz I was almost late and on my way to the office, I saw a familiar face. My heart leaped! He smiled and I was about to smile when I noticed a girl beside him.
“So, he found my replacement…” It was not hard to figure since the girl was like a leech clinging unto him.
I managed to show my warmest and cutest smile. “What is he thinking? Is he that desperate to get over me that he just picked a girl randomly?” I thought bitterly. I can’t say she is pretty but she is okay I guess.
“Maybe she has something good.. well, whatever is the case, he sure finds her attractive or he would not have picked her.” I said a few good words to him but then took off moments later coz I was almost late.
But before I went, I took one last look at the girl. “Dear Lord, ‘She’s like so whatever, you can do so much better.. Now I can relate to Avril’s song girlfriend.” I shook my head. And felt a stabbing pain when i remembered that saying, love is blind… “is he in love? Oh God, don’t let it happen…”
The moment I was turning on my pc and adjusting my headphones, i kept on thinking of how it went with him and how our meeting went with that SLUT! I bit my upper lip and reprimanded myself. “Hey! At least she is there to care for him since you can’t anymore… and that alone is a good thing so you should be thankful for her. So do not call her that!” My good side thought.
I am thankful I was wearing one of my best clothes ever and that I have tried to put on some light make-up. At least I am not stressed looking coz I know I am coz of work. And then I thought how can one go on if at the end of the day, you know that you are fooling no one but your own self? You see, you can pretend for as long as you like… Make the people around you believe that you are fine.. that you are happy when in reality.. deep down… you are not! It’s hard to convince yourself… but the hardest is not pretending you no longer love the person, rather it is the need to fight when there is no more reason to do so and the realization that there is no turning back to that point where you have made the biggest mistake of letting go. And like always, that empty, aching feeling inside grew… I can’t remember how many times I went to the pantry for a glass of water coz I felt like I was dehydrated. I have to admit, on that day, I really miss him. Well, I have always missed that person but the intensity was greater on that day that my eyes really were misty with held back tears even when I was taking calls. I was just glad I am one hell of an actress coz my voice has never wavered during each call coz if it did… then my bunkmates would have noticed… and it’ll be a shame coz what they have known is I am without a heart and has never been in love ever…! If they only knew! I have shed bucketful of tears already… What’s left to do but to pour all of the things I am feeling into writing… a love letter for the person I am missing would be nice.. I managed to breathe deeply and wrote the things I want him to know but can’t seem to say it out loud....
“So, he found my replacement…” It was not hard to figure since the girl was like a leech clinging unto him.
I managed to show my warmest and cutest smile. “What is he thinking? Is he that desperate to get over me that he just picked a girl randomly?” I thought bitterly. I can’t say she is pretty but she is okay I guess.
“Maybe she has something good.. well, whatever is the case, he sure finds her attractive or he would not have picked her.” I said a few good words to him but then took off moments later coz I was almost late.
But before I went, I took one last look at the girl. “Dear Lord, ‘She’s like so whatever, you can do so much better.. Now I can relate to Avril’s song girlfriend.” I shook my head. And felt a stabbing pain when i remembered that saying, love is blind… “is he in love? Oh God, don’t let it happen…”
The moment I was turning on my pc and adjusting my headphones, i kept on thinking of how it went with him and how our meeting went with that SLUT! I bit my upper lip and reprimanded myself. “Hey! At least she is there to care for him since you can’t anymore… and that alone is a good thing so you should be thankful for her. So do not call her that!” My good side thought.
I am thankful I was wearing one of my best clothes ever and that I have tried to put on some light make-up. At least I am not stressed looking coz I know I am coz of work. And then I thought how can one go on if at the end of the day, you know that you are fooling no one but your own self? You see, you can pretend for as long as you like… Make the people around you believe that you are fine.. that you are happy when in reality.. deep down… you are not! It’s hard to convince yourself… but the hardest is not pretending you no longer love the person, rather it is the need to fight when there is no more reason to do so and the realization that there is no turning back to that point where you have made the biggest mistake of letting go. And like always, that empty, aching feeling inside grew… I can’t remember how many times I went to the pantry for a glass of water coz I felt like I was dehydrated. I have to admit, on that day, I really miss him. Well, I have always missed that person but the intensity was greater on that day that my eyes really were misty with held back tears even when I was taking calls. I was just glad I am one hell of an actress coz my voice has never wavered during each call coz if it did… then my bunkmates would have noticed… and it’ll be a shame coz what they have known is I am without a heart and has never been in love ever…! If they only knew! I have shed bucketful of tears already… What’s left to do but to pour all of the things I am feeling into writing… a love letter for the person I am missing would be nice.. I managed to breathe deeply and wrote the things I want him to know but can’t seem to say it out loud....
"......One day, I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me. You will get tired of me. I will get tired of myself, but I will never get tired of you. For you..there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain. My prayer to no one. then I'll be a flower, the one you'll never pick and will endure the breathless waiting until boundaries disappear.
With nothing to do, I make new constellations images of you as I remember. Dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view, but still I see nothing but you. Unfurling like a flower, swiveling like a leaf. I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark then, but the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you.Like a kite, I've given myself up to the wind. I made friends with the sun. Confuse the birds with strange and distant voyages, but it is you that ties the thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forever hold your hand and with a burning human longing in your hands, I surrender.
There is no need for my return because i have never left..Only travelers leave and I've never been a traveler...I am lost, simply wanting to be in a place that i've never been..Of all destinations I long to be lost in the fields of your hair. Lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine. every song i sing is for you.. it may not look like it.. this may be hard to believe since your presence is ignored in every way, but yoU... are my will to live.. and you are constantly in my prayers.. My life started when I loved you and that's how I want it to end....."
With nothing to do, I make new constellations images of you as I remember. Dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view, but still I see nothing but you. Unfurling like a flower, swiveling like a leaf. I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark then, but the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams I will see you.Like a kite, I've given myself up to the wind. I made friends with the sun. Confuse the birds with strange and distant voyages, but it is you that ties the thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forever hold your hand and with a burning human longing in your hands, I surrender.
There is no need for my return because i have never left..Only travelers leave and I've never been a traveler...I am lost, simply wanting to be in a place that i've never been..Of all destinations I long to be lost in the fields of your hair. Lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine. every song i sing is for you.. it may not look like it.. this may be hard to believe since your presence is ignored in every way, but yoU... are my will to live.. and you are constantly in my prayers.. My life started when I loved you and that's how I want it to end....."
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This entry would have been longer but how can I forget that I still need 1 more sale before reaching my quota so I saved this one na lang and back to reality… End of that fiction thing…☺ I hope the love letter was able to describe the things a heartbroken person feels. I hope nice maskin fiction lang…
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